Making the right choice

As we wait for my HCG level to come back down I've been struggling lately with our next steps.  When we first found out that we were pregnant naturally we were cautiously optimistic.  I mean we'd been pregnant before and had nothing to show for it so we knew that a positive test did not equal a baby in our arms.  We agreed to look at that pregnancy as a "bonus" try for us.  If it worked out then it was truly our miracle.  If not, then we would move forward with our plan to go to CCRM.  Well as you all now that bonus try did not work out.  So here we are starting over again.  And even though my heart is still grieving the loss of our miracle baby my determination has returned.  We are not ready to give up on our dream of having a family.  But I am questioning our chosen route.....

When we met with Dr. Schoolcraft for our regroup after my ODWU I would say he seemed optimistic.  There were no red flags from all of the tests that we had ran that day.  He wanted to put me on their "poor responder" protocol which is really similar to what I've done in the past but instead of suppressing me with birth control and three weeks of lupron injections CCRM has seen better results by priming patients like me with estrogen.  I was/am excited to see what this change could bring for us.  Obviously my hope is more mature eggs and better quality embryos.  Due to my old clinic's crappy genetic testing we know that we CAN produce genetically normal embryos.  But I've always struggled getting my embryos to the day 5 blast stage.  The whole reason for coming to CCRM was the hope that their amazing lab could help with this.

When I say I'm questioning our route it's not going to CCRM.  I still believe that's the right place for us.  If we are going to do this it needs to be with the very best.  However during that regroup with Dr. Schoolcraft I brought up their Family Building Plan.  He agreed with me that it would be a good option for us.  However being completely OOP with NO insurance coverage it's a very expensive option.  About $45,000 expensive not including meds (which without any insurance will run around $6K for each cycle) and travel expenses.  Ouch.  We have a huge chunk of money saved but we are short of that amount.  My amazing parents have offered to make up the difference for us which we are so incredibly thankful for.  But I'm really struggling with what happens if we do this and drain all of our savings, tap my parents for money, and it doesn't work.  Maybe we don't get any normal embryos or maybe we do and we transfer them all and despite the fact that none of the tests are indicating there's something wrong with my ability to carry there really is.  And we need to go the surrogate route.  We are open to donor eggs and to surrogacy if that's what it will take to get our family.  However we have no way to afford either of those options after a FBP cycle at CCRM.

I had a long talk with my dad about the situation last night and he gave me some great advice.  He said let's just focus on the next step and if it doesn't work we'll deal with that at that time together.  It's great advice and probably what we need to do but I can't seem to stop worrying about the what if's.  I want to be positive and hopeful but I feel I also NEED to be realistic .  And after all these failures there's a good chance that we won't be successful this time.  I've been wondering if maybe we just do one cycle at CCRM and if that would be enough to give us direction?  But if we complete one cycle and we don't get any normals will I always wonder what if we had completed the FBP?  Or if we do get normals but only one or two and the transfer results in a BFN or another miscarriage will that really confirm we need a surrogate?   We all know having genetically normal embryos GREATLY increases the chance of success but it's still not 100%.

I know that no one can make these decisions but me and D.  It's just so overwhelming when it's the most important thing you will ever do.  CCRM girls I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you decided your path there and what was right for you.