It's All Worth It

Yesterday on my drive home from work my phone rang and it was my OB's office.  I actually pulled over to the side of the road as I figured they were calling with the results from my Harmony test.  My heart was beating a million miles a minute and my voice was shaking when I answered the phone.  My nurse Katie's voice was on the other end as she calmly informed me that they had just received the results from the Harmony test.  I couldn't even reply I was so nervous.  In what felt like 200 unnecessary words she calmly informed me that the results all came back normal and "low-risk".  I can't described the relief I felt at hearing her words.  Obviously high risk results wouldn't have changed anything for us.  But it's just one less obstacle to worry about.  I also realize there's still a million other things that could go wrong.  But this one was a win for us and one I'm so grateful for!

In other exciting news she confirmed what the MFM suspected.  Our twins are little BOYS!  For whatever reason I always pictured myself as a boy mom.  People keep asking me what we want (which obviously all we want is to be holding healthy babies in our arms at the end of this).  But even if God came to me and told me I could choose I wouldn't have been able to.  But from the moment the MFM told me she felt pretty confident they were boys (at 13 weeks!) I thought to myself "of course they are".  It just felt right.  So yeah boys!  My heart overflows.........

Today is 16 weeks 5 days.  We go back to the MFM on Thursday which will be 17 weeks.  Regardless of all the great news I'm still nervous and scared for the appointment.  It will have been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw our babies - the longest we've had to go in this entire pregnancy.  I've accepted that the fear and worry will never leave and work hard on giving it to God, trusting in Him and doing my best to enjoy this pregnancy.  I *think* I have started feeling them move.  Everyone says it feels like "flutters" or "butterflies".  But that isn't the case at all to me.  Honestly it feels like something is pressing or leaning from the inside.  Sometimes I feel a small area of my stomach tighten.  Everyone is telling me that is Braxton Hicks contractions but I honestly don't think so.  Maybe I'm completely wrong.  I'm anxious for when I know without a doubt it's them.  I also have these feelings much more on the right side.  Which I believe that is baby A who is slightly in front of baby B so that would make sense.  I'm hoping to get some confirmation of all of this at the appointment on Thursday.  

So almost 17 weeks I thought I'd try to recap some of my thoughts and feelings

1.  I still often feel like this is a dream, like it's not real.  Too good to be true

2.  I struggle with fear and worry every. single. day.  

3.  The way your body changes during pregnancy is truly amazing!

4.  I celebrate each pound I gain because I know it's helping them grow grow grow.

5.  I smile every time I stick my hands in my coat pockets because I can feel my belly :)

6.  I'm amazed at the out pouring of love and support for these little miracles!

7.  My parents and I have always been close, they've always been my biggest supporters.  But that bond has only deepened through this pregnancy.  Their love and excitement is contagious and can lessen even my deepest worries

8.  Baby stuff is EXPENSIVE!

9.  Pregnancy is hard.  I always thought getting pregnant would be the hard part.  But there's nothing about this that's easy.  From the lack of energy, the struggle to eat healthy, the aches and pain, the trouble sleeping, to the fact that every single thing happening is new and unfamiliar.  Pregnancy is Hard.

10.  It's so worth it.  I always knew/said that every shot, pill, doctor's appointment, etc would be worth it and it's true.  I did not know that pregnancy would be this hard.  But I can tell you it's all so worth it too.  Every green veggie I put in my mouth while simultaneously hating it is worth it.  Every sleepless night (whether it's from being uncomfortable or due to worry) is worth is.  Every ache and pain is a sign that my babies are growing.  And the worry and fear are signs that even at this early stage I'm already a good Mom.  It is so worth it.  

THE Year

Happy New Year friends!  I hope that everyone survived and possibly even enjoyed the holidays.  I know despite the fact of having so much to celebrate this year I'm a little relieved they are over!  I already wrote a reflection of my Different Kind of Christmas this year.  And while it was wonderful it was also.....weird.  To be in such a different place after I've gotten so used to where I was felt redeeming and a little unsettling all at once.  I think through this whole pregnancy I've just been waiting for the ball to drop.  I've thought more times than I can count that things were just going TOO well.  There's days I am deliriously happy and other days where the fear is almost paralyzing.  So my thoughts on the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 aren't as cut and dried as you would think.

Obviously ending 2015 15 weeks pregnant was a dream come true.  I still cannot believe we've made it this far.  I can't believe I've sat through ultrasounds where I watched my TWINS moving and squirming inside my body.  After all the failure and heartbreak it's still all a little unbelievable to me.  However even though 2015 was the year that brought us these miracles, overall it wasn't the best year ever.  We started with our final failed transfer at our local clinic.  We transferred our two (according to them) genetically normal embryos and the results were a giant Big Fat Negative.  We had already had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM and were planning on starting our journey with them if this transfer failed.  But I know there was a big part of me that didn't think it would come to that.  So while I was devastated by that failure I was still comforted that we had a new plan in place.  However the hardest part of that failure was watching what it did to D.  He had always been so positive and so hopeful through all of our cycles.  This failure was truly the one that broke him.  He clearly had just been humoring me with our plans to go to CCRM and never dreamed it would become a reality.  I watched him go through all of the stages of grief after that failure knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better.  His anger and sadness was so out of character and frankly scared me to death.  There were nights I wondered if he'd ever "go back" to his old self.  And I carried so much guilt and responsibility for the state he was in.  There were times I felt as if that alone would crush me.

With some time Derek was able to deal with his grief and to wrap his mind around Colorado.  I remember sitting on the plane heading to Colorado for our One Day Work Up. He just seemed angry and bitter that he was even on the plane.  But a great first experience at CCRM did wonders to his perspective.  We both left with a renewed sense of hope that this was the answer for us.

You all know the story.  Our prep for the first CCRM cycle was interrupted by a spontaneous pregnancy.  I'll never forget the shock that I felt when the monitoring doctor told me that they had found a gestational sac during what I thought was my suppression ultrasound.  How could we not have thought that was a our miracle and our redemption?  The timing and circumstances just seemed so perfect.  The feeling of sitting in that first sono and actually having something to see for the first time after all the failures is indescribable.  And seeing and hearing the little heartbeat - I thought my own heart would burst with joy.  Then to have it all come crashing down.  I've sat through a sono before that should have showed a 7 week baby, but there was nothing to see.  It was the worst experience of my life up until this point.  Sitting at that 9 week sono and having the tech go from the wand on my belly to internal.  Searching, searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there any longer, only to call in my sweet OB to confirm.  She held my hand and cried with us as she looked at the silent screen.  This was not our time.  No matter how perfect the circumstances seemed.  The next couple of weeks are a complete blur.  I wrote about the actual miscarriage and don't have the strength even today to get in to how terrible it was again.  I don't know how I survived the pain.  I woke up each morning wishing, praying that it was all just over.  But somehow we were able to drag ourselves out of the hole and resume life.  Looking back it's probably a good thing that it took so long for my HCG to come down.  It gave us the time we really needed to deal with what had happened rather than just shoving it aside and rushing into the next cycle (my typical go-to plan).  It's one of those experiences in your life that define you.  There's the before and the after.  And I can honestly say that I will be forever changed by that heartache and grief.

So no 2015 was not the best year ever.  Although it ended in the absolute best way I could have ever dreamed of.  Looking ahead to 2016 it scares me to think that this *should* be THE year.  The year we bring our sweet babies home.  The year our family is finally, finally complete.  The year I become a mother and make the love of my life's dreams come true.  This *should* be our year.  But there's still so far to go, so many obstacles to overcome.  I know as well as anyone just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away and your circumstances can change.  And because I know that I cherish every second of this pregnancy.  I know I talk a lot about my worries and fears and believe me they have not diminished as we navigate our 2nd trimester and wrap up our 4th month of pregnancy.  But I am enjoying this pregnancy as much as I"m capable of after what I've experienced.  I wake up every day grateful for more one day of being these babies mommy.   I pray every day that they continue to grow and develop into healthy babies that we will one day hold in our arms.  I thank God for our miracles.  And I let myself believe that this will be THE year.

A Different Kind of Christmas

There's just something about the holidays.  It seems as if they either invoke so much happiness and joy or just complete despair.  No in between.  My last two Christmases haven't been what I'd call stellar.  2013 we were in the midst of our first 2ww from our first IVF.  Although I was hopeful I was still scared, anxious, worried, and wondering.  Last year I was in Depot Lupron hell.  We were awaiting our 5th IVF transfer and did 2 months of Depot Lupron after a hysteroscopy to treat my endometriosis.  After a failed transfer in Aug. I was hoping to transfer that Oct. but obviously that didn't happen.  I was stuck in the Waiting Room.  Wishing and hoping desperately for a baby and becoming more and more discouraged with each passing day.  I remember just making a pile of unopened Christmas cards.  I couldn't bear the idea of opening them and seeing all of the sweet smiling faces of kiddos and families.  All I wanted was to fast forward to 2015, a new year, a fresh start.  One I was hoping and praying would finally bring us the start of our family.  

One would have thought this year Christmas would be an absolutely magical time.  And believe me part of it was.  But there was another part of me that just can't forget the feeling of another year passing and being no closer to having the child you want so desperately.  In fact it wasn't that long ago that I assumed I would still be in that boat this Christmas.  We thought we'd be in the midst of the Family Building Plan at CCRM right now.  I had hoped to have at least one retrieval under my belt, and another one scheduled for the beginning of 2016.   However it would still be MONTHS before we'd be in a position to transfer IF we had any normal embryos.  So much waiting.  So many unknowns.

And while I"m absolutely thrilled that we spent this Christmas 14 weeks pregnant with our miracle twins (twins you guys, it still feels like a dream) I'm still having trouble believing this is really happening.  My little bump seems to be growing each day.  Every 2 weeks we have a sono and I get to see these little loves moving and growing and just being simply amazing.  Yet, I still get nervous or uncomfortable when the conversation is focused on the babies and the future.  I still feel gun shy about buying anything related to the twins.  I've made zero effort to even clean out their bedroom, much less do any measuring, painting, etc. etc.  All the books I've read suggest you have everything done and ready to go at 24 weeks when pregnant with identical twins like ours.  And here I am 15 weeks and I can't even commit to a shower date. 

So on Christmas morning as I sat enjoying the lights of our Christmas tree with Chloe snuggled up beside me I was so filled with happiness, yet there was a part of me that was so sad.  My wounds from our infertility battle are far from healed.  I still remember entirely too clearly what it feels like to watch those lights and wonder if every Christmas will continue to be this quiet and lonely.  If there will ever be Christmas presents under that tree for your own children.  If you'll be able to get through the family gathering without breaking down.  I remember what it feels like to want it all just to be over.  And my heart breaks for everyone who is still living that nightmare.

Yes this year was a different kind of Christmas for us.  One I'm so very thankful to have experienced.  But the hurt and pain don't just disappear.  I'll forever be marked, changed by what we went through.  And I understand what it feels like to be in that moment.  For those of you still there I'm thinking about you and praying for all of you every day.  And hoping that this time next year you'll be experiencing your own different kind of Christmas.  

New Doctor, Same Ol' Worries

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  While the idea of a 4D ultrasound is super exciting of course I'm also nervous.  My assumption is since I'll be 13 weeks is they will be doing the NT scan that is typically done between 11 - 14 weeks since it hasn't been done at my OB office.  So obviously lots of prayers that everything looks good and there aren't any abnormalities found.  We are still doing the first trimester screening Harmony test but we'll re-draw for that next week at my OB office so it will be another 7-10 days from that appointment until we get those results.

The last few days I've been having some discomfort.  It's mostly felt like some pressure or a dull ache in my pelvis region.  I've definitely had what I believe are round ligament pains.  When I roll over in bed or sneeze or get up too fast I'll have kind of a stabbing pain near my groin.  I have read that the dull ache is associated with round ligament pain as well.  Today I've had what I would call some minor cramping which also has me worried.  I finally broke down and called my doctor's office.  The nurse was very kind and assured me that she thinks it's just stretching and growing from the babies.  She advised to drink lots of water and take it easy so that's what I'm doing.  Just praying so hard that all is still well.  I don't mind the discomfort at all, it's just the worry that something might be wrong.

In more exciting news we have started to spread the news to our friends and extended families.  We had some "announcement" pictures taken and have been using them to share our news.  We still haven't made a big Facebook announcement.  I'm actually struggling with that.  D is trying to decide how much of our story he's comfortable sharing.  And being on the receiving end of those announcements for years while we were trying so desperately makes me never want someone else to feel the way I have felt.   However I do remember a specific announcement of a friend from college that I'm not necessarily close with.  When she announced she shared their struggle, as well as an open invitation to reach out for anyone else who might be struggling, having lived through it.  So I think if we do decide on a FB announcement I'd like to do something similar.  Ultimately her story gave me hope and another resource/perspective/shoulder during my struggle.  To this day I still smile every time I see a post with a picture of her sweet toddler.

This brings me to another topic I've been struggling with.  When some friends have heard our news I've had a couple people ask us if the twins were "natural".  Even though we've kept the details of our struggle private most people know we have been trying for a couple years now.  So even if they aren't in the know they can speculate.  The question rubs me wrong for several reasons.  First what is the alternative to natural - unnatural??  Regardless of how any child is conceived there's never an unnatural way.  A child isn't less or more if you got pregnant on your own vs, help from treatments, vs. donor eggs or sperm or adoption.  Next - why does it matter??  Outside of people just being nosy I don't see why it matters if we conceived on our own or had help?  Finally after everything we've been through I'm almost hesitant to admit that these miracles are a result of an unassisted cycle.  The main reason being because I feel like it validates the stupid comments that we all hear so often.  That if we just relax it will happen, or it happened when we stopped trying, etc. etc.  The second reason is because I know this is not a typical ending for someone struggling with infertility.  I know it DOES happen (obviously) but most people will NEED some sort of assistance to grow their family.  Part of me feels like we are one of the few lucky ones but then when I think back to everything we've gone through and all the heartache it's pretty hard to feel lucky.  The one thing I do know is these babies are a gift from God, our miracles.  I have no idea if we'd be where we are today if we hadn't gone through everything we have.  My gut tells me we wouldn't.  And it's been worth every pill, every uncomfortable exam, every injection, every tear.  These babies are worth all of that and more.  I only wish that every couple who struggles with infertility was guaranteed a happy ending.  I know that's not the case.  So I guess that does make us one of the lucky ones.

12 weeks and counting.........

One more milestone down!  We had our sono today (11 weeks 6 days) and it was absolutely amazing!  The babies are SO big you guys.  Like big enough we didn't even need to zoom in!  They measured 12 weeks 2 days and 11 weeks 6 days.  Although Baby B was curled up a little bit and they were both moving around like crazy.  I'm talking arms and legs going like crazy.  It was absolutely mind blowing.  Their heart rates were 166 and 158.  We had trouble getting the second heart rate because he or she was moving around SO much.  

In other exciting news the small hemorrage I had was no where to be found (yeah!) and my cervix was long and closed and looked great.  In unexciting news we found out that we'll need to retest for my 1st trimester screening test.  We drew it at 9 weeks 6 days and due to the fact that it's twins there wasn't enough of the sample to test for both of them.  My doctor reassured me multiple times that there's no correlation with something being wrong and having to retest so I'm trying to trust her and not freak out about it.  On their website it does say to do the test between 11-14 weeks but my office said anytime after 10 weeks was okay.  So more waiting on those results.  I go to see the MFM for the first time next week so I'm hoping that sono will offer us some reassurance during that wait.  

So here we are.  Entering week 12.  Wow.  I never dreamed we would actually get here.  I know there's still a long way to go, but for today my heart is so happy and thankful.  

Below are pictures of our miracles.  OUR BABIES.  Wow.  

The Cycle

Well here we are again.  The day before sono day.  I just can't shake the worry and fears.  Tomorrow I will be 11 weeks 6 days.  Not only do we have our sono but we'll get the results from our first trimester screening test, the Harmony test which provides advanced screening for chromosomes 21 (down syndrome), 13 and 18 (which are the most common chronological disorders).

It's really hard to think of anything else but what tomorrow might bring.  The thought of getting through the day with all good news brings me such relief and hope.  The fear that something is wrong is paralyzing.  I pray throughout the day all day long that these little ones are continuing to grow and develop into healthy babies.  But when push comes to shove I just don't trust my body.  It has let me down so many times before.  And while I want so badly to think that this is finally our time I just can't be sure.

I was feeling much better as I started my 11th week.  Less tired and generally just less of the overall crappy feeling I'd been struggling with.  I had a few good days then a really bad day yesterday and today isn't much better.  I'm still taking the progesterone suppositories.  And now with the placenta starting to take over and hopefully produce it's own progesterone I wonder if I'm on overload.  I'm terribly bloated (when I wake up in the morning I just look pudgy but by bedtime I look blatantly pregnant), struggling with food, and the last couple days overly tired again.  I'm hoping these are all good signs.  Honestly I would feel like crap happily every day if it meant my babies were growing and doing well.

We also finally have our first appointment with the MFM scheduled for next week.  I know if by some miracle everything is okay tomorrow I will be anxiously awaiting that appointment.  D and I have decided if we get through all of that and everything is good then we'll make an announcement about the pregnancy.  I know our families are dying to shout it from the rooftops and there's a part of me that is too, but another part that is just so scared of something going wrong still.  Infertility is hard but one thing I never knew was how hard pregnancy after infertility is.  Don't get me wrong I'll take the fear of pregnancy any day over the struggle with infertility.  But it just seems that after we fight as hard as we do to become pregnant it should be an easy stress free road.  Maybe it is for some, but not the case for me.

So I ask you all, yet again, to say some prayers for our babies tonight.  We are praying so hard that the screening comes back low risk/normal and that both of our little miracles have continued to grow on schedule with strong heart beats.  As always thanks for the love and support and here's to hoping we are entering the 2nd trimester!

A wedding and a not so secret pregnancy

I am the worse blogger ever.  I can't believe I didn't update after our appointment last week.  If there's anyone waiting on pins and needles everything was great.  On Wednesday at the appointment we were 9 weeks 6 days.  Baby A measured 10 weeks exactly with a heart rate of 165bpm.  Baby B measured 9 weeks 5 days with the same heart rate of 164.  You guys they were both jumping around like crazy.  We had a hard time getting an accurate reading on Baby B's heart and length since he or she was moving so much.  It was so crazy.  My mom and my mother in law both came with me since we decided to have D stay at work for this one (he's a teacher and has missed so much school with these appointments).  We ended up FaceTiming him so it was basically a circus in the sono room.  But such a relief that they were both doing great.  This still just all feels like a dream to me.  It's so hard for me to actually wrap my head around the fact that we've made it this far.

We had a great holiday.  On Thursday we traveled to have Thanksgiving with my extended family.  My Aunt and Grandma already knew about the babies but I got to tell my two cousins that I'm closest with, which was a lot of fun.  I wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell them but my Mom was literally bursting with the news so I caved.  Then this weekend my brother in law got married.  Our family has been consumed with wedding plans for months now so it was very exciting that it was finally here.  D and I both stood up with them so it was a crazy weekend of running around to get everything decorated and set up and then a long day on Saturday at the salon, taking pictures, etc.  Between my expanding waist and all the bloat there really wasn't much hiding the fact that I'm pregnant in my bridesmaid dress.  I got the first question about it Friday night at the Rehearsal dinner and they just kept coming on Sat.  For those that flat out asked if I was pregnant (yes, several people did that?!) I just told them that it was still early and due to the issues we've had in the past we weren't telling people until we were out of the first trimester.  Most of the people that asked knew at the very least that we've been trying a long time, and some of them even knew we've had multiple miscarriages.  There were a couple people who I am not remotely close with who flat out asked which was just shocking to me.  You'd think after almost three years of struggling I'd be used to it.

That was our weekend in a nutshell.  So much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  As I said before it still just doesn't seem real.  This week I'm traveling for work all week long.  So there's not even the possiblity for a sono.  Which is scary to me.  Our next appointment is scheduled for Wed. Dec. 9th at our OBGYN's office.  However we should get a call from the MFM specialist this week.  If they can see us next week then we'll bump our appointment at my OB's as there's no sense in seeing both of them the same week.  I'm anxious to get into the MFM so I hope they call soon.  We also did the Harmony first trimester screening tests last week.  For those of you that aren't familiar they now have very advanced blood tests for the first trimester screening.  It will test for all of the common genetic disorders such as Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc.  They are much more accurate than the old quad marker tests.  In addition they can tell you sex of the baby which was super exciting until my nurse broke it to me that with twins it won't be able to tell us.  Which surprises me especially since they are identical?  But honestly I'm not even disappointed about that.  I have zero preference as far as the sex goes.  I just want them to be healthy.  I get sick to my stomach when I start thinking about getting those test results so I'm trying just to put it out of my mind and I"m praying every day that they just continue to grow into healthy babies. The test results usually take 7-10 days but with the holidays my doctor's office said to expect two weeks.  So we should get the results about the same time as our next sono appointment.  If by some miracle those results come back normal and we get through the first 4D sono at the MFM's office with no red flags I will be absolutely beside myself.  I know there's still so much risk but those are some big milestones for sure.  If all is well we will officially make an announcement.  I've been thinking a lot about how I want to do that,